Sexual Orientation Assumptions
Secular society bombards us with assumptions about morality and science that are untrue and unhealthy to adopt. Here are some popular assumptions, followed by an explanation of the truth.
​1. Assumption: By now it is obvious, and there is a great deal of scientific evidence and consensus to prove it, that all humans have a natural, stable and immutable sexual orientation, which is “given” to them through their biology and/or early experience.
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Through clever, persistent and well-funded marketing campaigns, the gay movement has managed to plant this belief—called the Essentialist perspective on sexual orientation—in the collective unconscious of modern society, but it is simply not true. Normally, a logical society would normally require robust scientific consensus and support before it adopts such a new and radical human paradigm-shifting belief. The fact that it has so quickly and rigidly adopted this belief, without any credible scientific evidence, tells us more about our culture than about the issue itself.
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For example, the most comprehensive study of its kind confirmed that there is no gay gene and no biological process that creates same-sex or opposite sex attractions. In 2016, a comprehensive review of all the available research conducted by a group of psychiatrists and epidemiologists at Johns Hopkins concluded: “The understanding of sexual orientation as an innate, biologically fixed property of human beings — the idea that people are “born that way” — is not supported by scientific evidence”.
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Scholars have also identified the likelihood of systemic scientific bias in the “born this way” sexual-orientation research program. These scholars also elaborate on the belief in “natural sexual orientation” as logically flawed, while also contradicting several established psychological and biological scientific foundations.
​2. Assumption: Being a homosexual is not a choice.
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It is true that many people report having powerful, immediate and involuntary arousal reactions to certain members of the same gender (as well as certain opposite gender types and even inanimate objects), well beyond the feeling of “basic attraction” or even sexual desire in intimate relationships. This extreme involuntary reaction called a “lust trigger”—which tends to get activated by strangers and not intimate partners, unless that partner can continue to be objectified—develops in childhood and adolescence as a helpful coping response to overwhelming distress. Hence their excitement and arousal around such a “stimulus” is not actively chosen but subconsciously “chosen”, as a way to survive and go on living normally.
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Though the person never chooses to have this involuntary arousal reaction toward their specific “stimulus”–whether it is the same gender, the opposite gender or an object—they can always choose to seek help or not seek help if they feel confused or distressed about these reactions, such as if they develop an unhealthy preoccupation or addiction to pursuing arousal with such a person in their fantasies, in porn or in real life. A person can also choose whether or not to define themselves by these arousal reactions and to identify themselves by the gender(s) or object(s) involved in their involuntary arousal patterns, such as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, transgender etc. But these are choices people can make.
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In Judaism and in the established behavioral sciences, emotional health is defined by agency and
the ability to understand and restrain one’s most powerful urges. The ability to diminish or change unwanted or exaggerated feelings and behaviors has always been a main goal of psychotherapy.
And in any other area of psychology, people are never wholly defined by any one of their traits.
​3. Assumption: People who identify as lesbian or gay must all have very strong histories of same-sex attraction.
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Perhaps there was a time when this might have been the case. Now, however, things are different.
First, with the popularity of the LGBTQ+ movement, many people seem to be identifying themselves with one of these letters, just because its fashionable and it helps them stand out in some way, irrespective of their relationship and sexual interests. I’ve also met men and women who believed that they were gay or lesbian simply because of a crush they had on a friend. The culture is leading people to consider same-sex feelings and behaviors as so unusual, that its presence must be a sign of being inherently different and “gay”.
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Two, because the definition of being gay or being lesbian is so unspecific, it has increasingly cast a wider net, drawing in people who are not necessarily confused about their sexual or gender feelings, but who are emotionally deprived of their basic social needs such as feeling belonging, recognition, life-purpose and admiration, needs that the LBGTQ+ identity and community seem to be promise them.
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These are the same reasons why young people tend to strongly latch onto other types of pro-social and anti-social identities, movements and communities. Only with LGBTQ+, once they latch onto this identity, it can become especially difficult to shake their attachment to it, even when it no longer serves their needs. Further, it is not uncommon for gay identified people and groups to be harshly critical, guilting and unforgiving when a fellow “gay member” considers “leaving the lifestyle” to pursue a heterosexual life and family.
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I’ve also met several people who considered themselves gay or lesbian because they believed that finding an opposite-sex partner would disappoint, hurt or break the connection with their opposite-sex parent, a message that parents can subconsciously send their child. In such cases, when the child is not explicitly aware of this message, they can grow up subconsciously sabotaging their intimate relationship searches in all kinds of ways, including believing that they are inherently “gay” and incapable of heterosexual love.
4. Assumption: Men who are more sensitive, effeminate, poor at sports and interested in the arts probably have same sex desires and are probably “inherently gay” whether they know it or not, whether they admit or not.
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Since the concept of “inborn sexual orientation” and “born gay or straight” has been refuted by all credible scientific studies, we can know that there is no inherent link between same-sex desires and a man who does not present himself as stereotypically masculine. In fact, this link between personality and sexual desire was in many ways created by the media and the LGBTQ founder’s explicit public relations strategy to present gay people in the media as effeminate, witty and likeable, as a way of distracting society from thinking about the unpopular sexual behaviors that gay-identified people are known to enjoy.
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This assumption of “the effeminate gay man” is also inaccurate. For example, many people with same sex desires look just as masculine as anyone else. And many men with gender-atypical traits have no experience of same-sex desire.
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Further, this assumption is harmful because it causes distress for those boys who see themselves—or who are seen by others—as not “masculine”, who are then liable to unnecessarily question their “inherent sexual identity”. In that sense, the gay movement works to manufacture an identity-crisis in people where they are led to unnecessarily question their identity and “who they at their core”. The second step of this strategy is to shower love and attention on those who “come out”, while shaming those “who are too cowardly” or “living in the closet” to come out.
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In my experience, the two possible indirect links between a less stereotypically masculine male and the presence of same-sex attractions are as follows. (1) A boy who is bullied by his peers as being “gay” because he is not athletic or because he is shy or likes the arts etc., can literally take on a gay identity and homosexual behavior as a way of submitting to the abuse, especially if they have no other recourse to survive it. (2) Children and adolescents who struggle with low self-worth for any number of reasons (poor body image, lack of athleticism, social challenges, being persistently bullied etc.) are equipped with the natural capacity to use their imagination to attach to a male peer who seems to have those specific qualities, which they feel lacking in.
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Such a person can automatically develop obsessions and sexual fantasies about being accepted,
loved and physically embraced by their “perfect” male peers as a way to feel better about themselves. This potent “sexual template” could then continuously be used as a kind of coping strategy “drug” to deal with ongoing life frustrations, even later in life when they develop more self-worth. Indeed, this explains many—but certainly not all—men’s same-sex fantasies involving chiseled and confident high-school looking types (called “twinks” in gay culture), which always traces back to their experiences of being insecure during this emotionally formative period of time.
A non-athletic, shy or somewhat effeminate acting boy who gets what they need from their
family and community to still feel good about themselves, will not need to use this coping
strategy.
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The coping strategies of idealizing and then sexualizing another type of person is actually much more common than people realize. Many people do the same exact thing with the opposite sex. For example, they subconsciously idealize and sexualize opposite-sex personality traits, garments, body parts, hairstyles etc. as a way of coping with some kind of persistent distress that no one else helped them to manage earlier in their development. This specific opposite-sex “stimulus” then becomes a potent source of arousal, which can continue to tempt them throughout their life even later once their stress has passed.
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Whether the same sex or the opposite sex, or even an inanimate object, this condition is called a “lust trigger”. And the only reason why someone would subconsciously “choose” a same-sex or opposite-sex person to idealize is entirely based on their individual circumstances, as in, whoever is available in their immediate orbit that they can latch onto in their fantasies in order to help them cope and make them feel better.
Relationship Assumptions
1. Assumption: Immediate lack of opposite-sex attraction or a lack of general romantic and sexual interest, means that the person cannot ever have a normal heterosexual relationship.
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This is a assumption created by the media and LGBTQ ideology. If this were true, many people
would not have heterosexual relationships and get married. A law of human nature is that sexual
energy can get activated through physical and emotional closeness to anyone – regardless of age,
gender, race, appearance or type of relation – when there are some predictable factors involved
such as: “personality chemistry”, frequent alone time doing enjoyable things, letting one’s
emotional guard down and just being receptive to creating a deeper connection with someone in
general. This law of nature applies even if we are at first not physically attracted or romantically
interested in that person. This law also applies even if we have a history of fantasies and
experiences with only one gender or a specific type of person/object
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2. Assumption: Relationship or sexual disinterest in the opposite-sex has no other explanation that “being inherently gay”.
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There is no credible science behind the idea of people being “naturally and immutably gay or
straight”. But there are several predictable and common-sense reasons to explain why a person
may not feel romantically interested in or attracted to the opposite sex, all of which can easily be
resolved. These reasons have nothing to do with one’s inherent capacity for heterosexual
relationships or “natural sexual identity”.
For instance, not clearly identifying the types of opposite-sex partners that one would easily
“gel” with in personality, looks and values can cause people to consistently feel bored or
disinterested in the people they date. A person’s lack of interest and excitement could be easily
caused by negative experiences with opposite sex family members or prior intimate
relationships. People with low confidence and self-esteem issues, or any number of
psychological symptoms, may be uninterested in the idea of having an intimate relationship, or
just too scared to even try. Or people with lust-triggers can develop outsized and unrealistic
arousal expectations, where they implicitly expect to feel just as quickly and powerfully activate
with their opposite-sex date as they do with their preferred same-sex lust-trigger.
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Last, and perhaps most interestingly, when people have already concluded that they are
“inherently gay”—whether or not they are public about this identity—this rigid belief can act
almost like a physical barrier to opposite-sex bonding making these efforts doomed from the get-
go. Since in the mind they are already “gay”, they will subconsciously resist a connection no
matter how compatible they are.
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All of these issues can easily be identified and addressed by a qualified therapist, dating coach,
rabbi or life coach.
​3. Assumption: People attracted to the same gender must be inherently gay or bisexual, pansexual or omnisexual etc. and can never have a fulfilling and lasting monogamous heterosexual relationship.
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Not so. As human beings we can’t help but notice, look at and want to be close to those who we
find attractive for whatever reason, regardless of age, race, gender or type of relation. For
example, many men will often report wanting to be friends with other men who are attractive and
confident, even when there are no romantic and sexual intentions or undertones. And the same
goes with women. But this is not at all the same as romantic interest and sexual attraction.
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When it comes to romantic excitement and sexual arousal, there are also some specific
“scientific laws” involved. First, in order to develop romantic and sexual interest in someone, we
have to want it in general. Unless it is an involuntary “lust-trigger” as described earlier, if we
consciously or subconsciously don’t want such a relationship to begin with for whatever reason,
it is unlikely that we will give it a fair shot.
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Second, physical and emotional closeness naturally breads sexual interest, which is why any two
women or two men who do not put up healthy boundaries in their friendship, can report feeling
an occasional spark of attraction or sexual impulse, even though they never intended to feel this
and even though they would never pursue it.
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Third, nowadays with sexual norms much more relaxed, same-sex fantasy and experience is no
longer considered that unusual that it has to be labeled as some kind of ingrained or abnormal
issue.
The assumption that people with histories of same-sex attraction will inevitably destroy their
heterosexual marriages and should therefore avoid them at all costs, is alone responsible for
unnecessarily scaring healthy men and women—and even gay-identified men and women who
are feeling dissatisfied with their lifestyle—away from pursuing heterosexual relationships,
which they truly want.
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As I have heard over and over again from clients, people are being persuaded by the aggressive
LGBTQ+ messaging that they will inevitably be unsatisfied, cheat on their spouse and cause
irreparable damage to many, a one-size-fits-all catastrophizing scare-tactic fueled by the media’s
cherry picking of traumatic marriages-gone-wrong to unfairly paint a larger distorted picture.
The fact that the media singles out this issue of same-sex attraction as an inevitable cause of
marital dissatisfaction in ways that it would never do with other well-known issues such as
PTSD, narcissism, sociopathy and substance-abuse, makes it easy to see the deeper political
agendas behind these media-generated stories.
​4. Assumption: Most people date and marry the opposite sex because they are filled with romantic and sexual excitement about this possibility. Therefore, it is rare and also telling if a person doesn’t feel this way and they should probably not even try to date or develop heterosexual relationships.
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Many people, for many different reasons, are actually not excited about dating or trying to
develop a heterosexual marriage. But there are many reasons to marry aside from excitement and
tapping into one of these can give people “the boost” they need to get started.
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For example, people may want to marry in order to fulfill the Jewish commandments, appear
normal and acceptable in one’s community, leave one’s parents, feel more independent and
settled in life, have children, give to the next generation, populate the Jewish world, transcend
their own feelings of mortality, achieve economic success and material comfort, or just have a
dependable trusted life-partner. Typically, even if people get married for these more external
reasons, if the relationship is good and the two partners are truly compatible, they tend to soon
feel satisfaction about the intimate relationship itself, as they get to know their partner.
Gender Assumptions
Secular society bombards us with assumptions about morality and science that are untrue and
unhealthy to adopt. Here are some popular assumptions, followed by an explanation of the truth.
​1. Assumption: Assigned sex is a person’s God-given maleness or femaleness as defined by their anatomy and chromosomes. But gender is whether a person feels like a man or woman. Therefore if “assigned sex” doesn’t match with “gender” the person automatically has an incurable, fixed and immutable condition called “gender dysphoria”—no matter how old they are—which means that they are were “born in the wrong body”. Their “gender” should then be affirmed, even if it the opposite of their assigned sex, and they should be raised according to their gender that they feel they truly are.
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This is an utter lie. If a person with a nose felt confused about whether they had a nose, would
we not consider them delusional? Why is this any different? Only in this particular case, the
delusion actually belongs to secular culture, which plants the idea in young people’s head that
“they are supposed to feel their gender” something that no person was ever asked to do before in
the history of mankind and something that is simply not possible to do. When young people are
given this impossible task, they are essentially getting a hand-delivered opportunity to suffer a
false identity crisis.
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The fact is, however, that people, may not always feel like their assigned sex for any number of
reasons. Sometimes it is a temporary, fluctuating feeling. Young children, for example, are
known to experiment with playing or pretending they are one gender or another. At times they
might tell a parent that they are different from their assigned sex. This is normal and these
feelings will pass as long as the parent reassures and reminds them that their sex is chosen for
them by God and that this is something humans don’t get to choose.
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Some people can identify more—as in relate to—the opposite-sex males or females in their
environment based on their tendencies, personalities and interests. And when a person does not
relate to or feel similar to their same-gendered peers, this indeed can be painful. They can feel
not good enough or feel as if their pain would go away if they were just actually in an oppiste sex
body. Others may not like their body and physical appearance. They too may believe that they
would be happier if only if they existed as the opposite sex.​
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But these are all thoughts, feelings and wishes, which can be vented, worked through and
changed and which often pass on their own as the person continues to find their way in life and
build more self-esteem. These dynamic feelings, no matter how intense or persistent they are in
the moment, cannot be used to determine one’s “real gender” and cannot override the physical
way they were born and created by G-d, as defined by their chromosomes and anatomy.
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In other situations, a person can feel emotionally compelled to dress up or act like the opposite
sex, which is a different issue entirely, usually related to obsessive compulsive patterns. Or someone can also develop strong sexual arousal to opposite-sex garments, whether they feel urges to look at them or put them on, which is another example of a “lust-trigger” discussed earlier. The Torah tells people that they are not allowed to cross-dress, which validates the potential temptation for such behavior but which also clearly points them in the direction of getting help if they feel emotionally compelled to do this.
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It is psychotic and dangerous for a society to allow people to define reality by their feelings and
not by physical evidence. Doing so opens up the door for people to insist that they are animals,
aliens, multiple people or robots, because this is how they feel.​
Sexual Morality
Secular society bombards us with assumptions about morality and science that are untrue and
unhealthy to adopt. Here are some popular assumptions, followed by an explanation of the truth.
​1. Assumption: The Torah is out of date. How can a document 3-millennia old possibly relate to sexual morality today? People inherently know better.
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This can’t be. Without the Torah, what would prevent a society from perverting and twisting
right and wrong? As we see over and over throughout history, society can easily make evil acts
seem good and vice versa. Take Nazi Germany, for example. Nazi camp prison guards who were
exterminating Jews were convinced they were doing what was right. After work they went home to help their children with their homework. When society lacks the input of the Torah and objective religious morality, it can easily corrupt people’s sense of right and wrong including their understanding of sexual morality. The many sexual scandals that have rocked the world
over the last decade, attests to man’s need for objective moral standards, particularly when it
comes to sexual behavior.
​2. Assumption: Human beings have the power to know their true authentic selves and identity, even if this defies empirical observation.
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According to this secular assumption, it is our thoughts and feelings that tell us who we are, even more than objective fact or physical reality. “I think therefore I am”, Descartes wrote at the beginning of the 17 th Century. We now see the consequences of such beliefs in young people who have no actual exposure to these underlying philosophies, but who nonetheless claim, “I am gay”
and then demand to be believed even if they cannot provide credible evidence, even if their
identity choice is clearly based on misinformation, and even if they don’t actually have any prior
sexual or relationship experience.​
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With the belief that humans can know their authentic Self outside of objective reality, we can
understand why it can seem immoral and egregiously offensive for anyone else to question a
person’s perception of themselves. A challenge to their supposedly authentic behavior or choice
of identity term, can be seen as an attack on their very personhood. In fact, even implying that, at
some point, they did in fact choose to identify themselves using the term “gay, lesbian or trans
etc.”, can be construed as deeply offensive.
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Though it sounds like a very new belief in our culture, popular artists and intellectuals over the last few centuries have proposed exactly this – that if people just “clear the static” of elite society’s unreasonable expectations, they can discover and know their true selves in a way that no one else can.
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In Judaism, mankind simply does not have the authority to easily know their core Self. As Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, “The Lubavitcher Rebbe” wrote: “On his own, a person is not objective in evaluating his own characteristics. A person’s inclination and his own innate, materialistic nature and self-love often will “bribe” an individual into a distorted view of his negative traits.” It is a person’s job to discover their unique purpose of being in the world through the actions we take to improve it, but it is only G-d who knows and who determines our core identity.
​3. Assumption: Our sexual feelings are a true reflection of our authentic identity.
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This belief has also been simmering for several centuries but is most explicitly referenced in
Freud who famously wrote: “The behavior of a human being in sexual matters is often a
prototype for the whole of his other modes of reaction in life.” Popularized even more by the
sexual revolution and LGBTQ propaganda, the belief in the centrality of our sexual feelings as
defining our Core Self or Identity is deeply ingrained in our culture and is often just presumed to
be accurate. When made explicit, however, it is easy to see just how incompatible it is with
Jewish values and beliefs, which sees sexual feeling as just one part of our whole self and as a
means to a greater end, but not as a value in and of itself. One’s core identity is one’s precious
Jewish neshama (soul).
​4. Assumption: Given the centrality of sexual feelings and self-actualization, those people or systems who discourage this, even in their thoughts, are cruel, neurotic and immoral.
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This assumption helps us understand how so many people, including religious Jews, are not just
reluctantly or apologetically coming out as gay and expressing their same-sex feelings, but are
doing so proudly with strong moral conviction, often accompanied by patronizing expressions of
righteous indignation.
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It explains why religiously devout people might support their loved ones or community
member’s “coming out” and even publicly celebrate them. They do not want to be seen as
immoral. People who “come out” can now justify their behavior as Jewishly moral, even if it is
clearly prohibited on a legal level. And since they see their behavior as morally virtuous, it does
not matter if their closest friends and family members are offended by it. Even if it clearly risks
harming their future physical health, future family and psychological wellbeing, the importance
of sexual self-actualization is implicitly understood as the highest moral value.
5. Assumption: The values of authenticity and sexual self-actualization are even more virtuous than the sexually restricting religious values of modesty and self-restraint, which were designed by the “elite leadership class” to oppress, exploit and inhibit people’s nature.
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According to historian Carl Trueman in his book, “The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self”, secular society no longer just preaches “It’s not cool to be so religious” as it has for many centuries, but rather, “we have a different religion and it is better than traditional religion”, a philosophy popularized by many beloved writers, artists, psychologists and taste-makers over the last several centuries, but which is now widely integrated within the highest echelons of society, including within established medical, academic, social-service, governmental and religious institutions. Many people, however, are led to adopt this belief implicitly in their speech and behavior, but without explicitly knowing the underlying value that it is based on.
​6. Assumption: Individuals and groups who are judged or excluded by a majority “leadership class”, are victims and are therefore inherently virtuous, no matter who they are and how they behave:
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This assumption explains how religious people are now sympathizing and celebrating gay-
identified people even if they are public about their sexual behaviors. The LGBTQ movement
has managed to automatically and blanketly stamp all of their members as “victims”, who are by-
definition oppressed by religious society, making them virtuous just for their chosen identity
terms alone, no matter how they actually behave. Religious individuals and groups are
automatically and blanketly stamped as “oppressors”, unless they actively fly the rainbow flag on
their churches and synagogues or loudly profess their love and acceptance of LGBTQ+
members—all to avoid suspicion. Other common words for “oppressor” include “homophobe”,
conversion therapist”, “racist” and “bigot”.
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The widespread and implicit adoption of this assumption can explain why—even in the most
traditional religious communities—people are known to immediately side with those who claim
they are any of the LGBTQ +letters, including if they behave provocatively and disrespectfully,
and if they are spreading their religious vehemence to others.
​7. Assumption: It is morally virtuous for people to discover within themselves their inherent and authentic non-heterosexual “queer” interests—even if they have to work hard at it or explore different kinds of sexual relationships to see what feels best—as a way to actualize their core self and reject society’s oppressive heteronormativity. A person who holds back on this self-exploration because they are exercising self-restraint or because they are not interested, is considered “a prude” and is doing something immoral.
This extreme belief is now explicitly taught to children in many public educational settings. It is
being picked up by children and teens even in the most religiously insular communities.
According to this view, it is no longer enough to fully actualize one’s non-heterosexual feelings.
It is now an ethical requirement to search hard for one’s “natural non-heterosexuality” within
oneself, since it is shameful to become part of the oppressive “heterosexual order”, a particularly
damaging recommendation given the inherent aimlessness of sexual energy, which is especially
flexible at younger ages. This explains the popularity of pornographic books in children’s
libraries, Drag Queen hour at public libraries and the suggestion made by teachers that it is good
for children and teens to explore sexual relationships with all types of people in order for them to
know who they really are.
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Further, even if a child cannot find any non-heterosexual desires within themselves, they are still
invited to call themselves “queer”—an identity term that is completely devoid of actual
meaning—but which allows people to nonetheless behave in various norm-disrupting ways and
closely align themselves with their “sexual minority” peers.
​8. Assumption: Judaism is either wrong in condemning same-sex behavior, or it makes an exception to allow for the actualization of our inherently natural desire.
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To say that explicit Torah laws are wrong, is obviously a conversation stopper. But to say that
Judaism supports any other sexual relationship outside of heterosexual marriage, or that it “looks
the other way”, also can’t be true because heterosexual marriage is the literal bread and butter of
the Jewish faith. Further, if Judaism were to allow for the expression of one’s “natural sexual
interests”, then any of the sexual prohibitions—incest, pedophilia, bestiality or premarital
sex—would be completely meaningless because each of these can be considered “natural” to different groups of people. Further, if “natural” would justify doing a sin, then one could argue that many things are natural, such as sleeping with one’s family members, eating pork, robbing or not keeping Shabbos.
​9. Assumption: Sexual preference or sexual orientation is genetically determined, just like skin color. Trying to change something genetically predetermined cannot work any more than a person can erase his skin color.
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People may have notable and recurring sexual preferences for various types of men, women,
situations and even objects, but there is no evidence that these are biological, immutable and a
reflection of one’s core Self or intimate relationship potential. In fact, all the scientific evidence
refutes this possibility. Even feelings and behaviors known to have a much clearer and stronger
biological “influence” are still not considered biologically determined and immutable.
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The belief in sexual preference being caused by biology and being immutable is a fictional belief
advanced by the gay movement and then reinforced by the media and by a wide array of cultural
institutions for financial and social gain.
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Changing a person’s “sexual orientation” or involuntary sexual preferences isn’t something that is necessary nor possible. Rather, according to Judaism and the psychotherapy profession, it is the responsibility of each person to try and practice self-restraint for any out of control compulsive behavior, sexual or otherwise. A society that encourages compulsive sexual behavior would very quickly cease to exist. If the fantasy or desire is in a person’s control, then there is nothing problematic.
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When it comes to non-heterosexual preferences, a therapist or mentor’s goal should be to: (a) help people not define themselves by these preferences, (b) help the person dial down on compulsive sexual-urges, which go against their values and which cause conflict or distress, and (c) to make sure that a person doesn’t confuse their sexual fantasies with their potential to have meaningful and satisfying relationships with compatible people whom they actively choose to be with.
Sexual Desire Assumptions
Secular society bombards us with assumptions about morality and science that are untrue and
unhealthy to adopt. Here are some popular assumptions, followed by an explanation of the truth.
​1. Assumption: Same sex fantasy and experience is highly unusual or unnatural and either reflects some kind of pathology or is a sign of inherent homosexuality.
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No, there is nothing abnormal or unnatural about same-sex fantasies experiences or relationships.
If it were unnatural the Torah would not need to explicitly prohibit it. The fact that most people
don’t desire this or don’t seek this out doesn’t mean they are better or healthier - it just means
that they are socialized to avoid it because of their family and community.
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In my view, same sex desires are only considered abnormal or unhealthy person if the person
does not feel in control over it or is compulsively drawn to such encounters. This would be just
as abnormal as someone who has compulsive urges for opposite-sex encounters or anything else.
The problem is not the person we are attracted to but the involuntary and powerful way that our
arousal gets triggered, which can also lead to sexual compulsions and out-of-control behavior.
The solution to these issues is, therefore, to help a person regain control, but not take away the
very attraction itself.
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Unfortunately, many therapies for same-sex attraction have focused on pathologizing a person
for the very fact of their same-sex attraction, without even considering whether this is something
that they feel control over or not. It leads them to promise things like “sexual orientation change”
or “eliminating one’s same-sex desires” or even “rewiring” a person’s sexual desires for the same
sex, so that they feel these immediate desires and lusts for the opposite sex.
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These therapies are also flawed because they mislead people to believe that they are flawed just
for having same-sex interests, convincing them that they won’t be able to have a healthy
heterosexual relationship, until this part of them is “fixed”. These approaches fail to take into
account the different ways that sexual arousal gets activated. For example, most human beings
are able to feel emotionally, physically and sexually drawn to any other person when there are
certain factors in place such as: an overall desire to have an intimate relationship, mutual
admiration, a “chemistry bond” or meshing of personalities, time spent alone, expressing of
affection and sharing deeper thoughts and feelings.
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Our secular culture is guilty of spreading a different set of inaccurate beliefs. It encourages
people to see their own powerful and involuntary same-sex arousal reactions—as well as their
out of control urges—as signs of “just being gay”, which is just a more polite way of saying that
they are helpless victims of their inherent nature. The belief that a person cannot learn to gain
control over their feelings can be very psychologically damaging and is completely at odds with
Western values of mental health, which are known to promote agency and the importance of
gaining control over one’s feelings. Such a belief is also Jewishly problematic at its core because
it denies a person having the free will to work on controlling their impulses and habits.
2. Assumption: Immediate and powerful lust for a specific gender defines whether a person is gay or straight. Therefore, lack of immediate arousal to the opposite sex, necessarily means that person is gay.
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Though the media will tell you otherwise, immediate and powerful arousal feelings at the mere
fantasy or sight of any specific person of either gender, is not really a very normal thing to
happen. Typically, when it does happen it means that either: (a) a person’s sexual energy is
getting triggered by another person’s sexual energy “spilling out from them” in their gestures,
movements or speech, or, (b) the person from a young age becomes habituated to expressing
their sexuality toward the same-gender because they had more “access” to the same-gender than
to the opposite gender and these behaviors were a normal part of their environment or, (c) the
arousing person or object qualifies as someone’s recurring lust-trigger as previously explained.
​
How do we understand lust-triggers? Modern psychology has long-ago discovered specific
situations and psychological mechanics where a child or adolescent could idealize and then
sexualize very specific types of males, females or objects in their immediate vicinity as a
subconscious strategy to manage other stressors. In that case, those specific stimuli called “lust-
triggers” can become imbued with powerful sexual energy—very much unlike sexual desires in
relationships with real people—which can endure throughout their lifetime. A person with any
kind of lust-trigger, however, nonetheless can still develop attractions and sexual interests in
other people when there is personality chemistry, relaxed and enjoyable time spent together and a
close emotional bond.
​3. Assumption: There is only one type of sexual desire and the most potent and consistent desire is the one that should direct our intimate long-term relationships:
​
There are actually two qualitatively different ways that sexual energy gets activated in humans.
One is when it gets activated by someone from the outside – a stranger with whom we are not in
an intimate relationship with, usually seen in public or in the media – who either “qualifies” as
our specific lust-trigger (as explained above) or who is projecting out their own sexual energy
through their gestures, movements and behaviors. In that case, our sexual energy can get
activated quickly and powerfully. The arousal can feel impulsive, overwhelming and difficult to
control. After the sexual event, the person is known to feel shame, emptiness and self-hatred and
is often turned off by the imagined or real partner.
​
With relationship intimacy, on the other hand, sexual arousal must be created in some way –
someone has to do something, say something or create a certain environment for desire to get
sparked. As opposed to lust-trigger arousal, it doesn’t strike suddenly just by looking or thinking
about the partner. It comes from the “inside the connection”. Sexual encounters also tend to
follow a gradual but predictable sequence, with each step increasing the sexual arousal, but not
in impulsive out of control way, (unless there is also aggressive energy in the interaction). And
after the sexual event, the partners tend to feel satisfied and closer to one another, creating a
sense of joint wellbeing and that can endure long after the encounter.
That said, people with any kind of lust-trigger are not exceptions to the core principles of
attraction and can, therefore, develop the same high-quality relationship with the opposite-sex as
anyone else, even if they are still powerfully aroused or preoccupied by their lust-trigger.
​
With lust-triggers, it is important to be mindful of our secular culture’s aggressive messaging,
which tells us that it is an almost moral virtue to follow, express and fully actualize our most
potent arousal feelings, no matter what our values and community traditions are and no matter
what kinds of relationships and families we ourselves ultimately want to cultivate. Said
differently, secular culture encourages people to define themselves and their life-future around
these psychological symptoms and around their involuntary arousal reactions.
​4. Assumption: Sex is about one’s maximizing one’s pleasure.
​
This belief is pervasive in our secular culture and is even a core value held by many professional
therapists who teach clients to endlessly chase sexual highs with their own partners while
missing the whole point of a relationship. Sex is about connection, giving and creating a bond or
creating a new human being. In many ways it is the highest form of Imitatio Dei, the human
endeavor to imitate God. When sexual energy is used in the right way and at the right time, it is a
powerful and special experience that goes beyond just the carnal physical sensations. When used
in the wrong way, sexual experiences can create some of our lowest feelings and can also harm
oneself and others in significant ways.
Psychotherapy Assumptions
Secular society bombards us with assumptions about morality and science that are untrue and
unhealthy to adopt. Here are some popular assumptions, followed by an explanation of the truth.
​1. Assumption: Psychotherapy that does not affirm a person’s belief that they are inherently gay or that challenges a person’s adoption of a gay identity and lifestyle, is called conversion or reparative therapy and it is unethical, illegal and harmful.
​
This false and exaggerated belief is actually a key component of the LGBTQ propaganda mosaic
and has been aggressively planted into the minds of many intelligent people in Western society,
including therapists themselves who are supposed to have more nuanced and informed view on
the topic. But the truth is that therapists are not magicians. It is not their job, nor their expertise,
to “change people” in any way, shape or form. Hence, the specific assumption is often connected
to this larger one about therapists in general.
​
But in terms of therapy for same-sex attractions, putting aside the name of the therapy approach,
a general reminder of the very purpose of therapy should be all that we need to challenge this
assumption. First, it is the role of therapists to help people gain more understanding and control
over any type of exaggerated or involuntary feeling, whether sadness, fear, panic or arousal.
Even if the client does not overtly complain about such experiences, even if they are proud of
them, therapists nonetheless are supposed to maintain their objectivity to help clients better
manage and express their feelings. This is the bread and butter of their job.
​
So if a client reports a history of powerful and immediate arousal at the mere sight of a specific
body part, physique or personality, whether of the same or opposite sex, or is preoccupied with
romantic and sexual feelings with anyone, it is a therapist’s basic job to give the person an
accurate name for these obviously exaggerated reactions and preoccupations and to encourage
them to better understand and reduce these. Though our culture normalizes and exalts people’s
potent non-heterosexual feelings and compulsions, the people who actually experience them tend
to report these as a source of discomfort, mystery and distress, even if it doesn’t conflict with
their religious values.​
​
Second, it is a therapist’s basic job to discourage any kind of helplessness and victimhood
feelings in their clients, which are well-known catalysts of severe psychological distress.
Therapists generally do believe in biological determinism, or early-childhood determinism,
which states that a person’s symptoms or relationship preferences are fixed and immutable. To
apply such a theory in the one instance of same-sex attractions would be suspicious and a sign
that they are discriminating against these clients.
​
Third, another general task of a psychotherapist is to make a good “differential diagnosis” for
each client, to make sure that one type of diagnosis is not being confused with another. With the
popularity of sexual identity labels in our culture, it is now even more the therapist’s
responsibility to make sure that they are not just applying fashionable and scientifically
questionable identity labels for patterns that may have a much different name and a clearer path
forward. In fact, in my opinion, not taking the time to make such a careful diagnosis is
considered unethical clinical care, because it risks leading the client astray and having them
suffer unnecessarily with lifelong symptoms and life problems.
​
Four, therapists traditionally believe in the psychological importance of maintaining connection
with one’s family and community of origin. Unless it is an extreme case, therapists try to help
people appreciate the good in these social systems and tolerate or strategize around the bad.​
​
Five, while therapists generally believe in the value of self-actualization, they are not supposed
to encourage unhealthy and irresponsible sexual behavior, like promiscuous sex and expressing
desire at the risk of their own health and at the risk of offending or pushing away important
people in their life, which is ironically the very explicit aim of the LGBTQ movement.
​
With this understanding of the basic purpose of psychotherapy, practitioners who apply one value
system to one population and a completely different value system to just those with same-sex
attractions or who identify themselves using one of the LGBTQ+ letters, may actually be guilty
of discriminating and withholding necessary care in the name of political correctness.