Sexual Desire Assumptions

Secular society bombards us with assumptions about morality and science that are untrue and unhealthy to adopt. Here are some popular assumptions, followed by an explanation of the truth.

1. Assumption: Same sex fantasy and experience is highly unusual or unnatural and either reflects some kind of pathology or is a sign of inherent homosexuality.

No, there is nothing abnormal or unnatural about same-sex fantasies, experiences or relationships. If it were unnatural the Torah would not need to explicitly prohibit it. The fact that most people don’t desire this or don’t seek this out doesn’t mean they are better or healthier – it just means that they are socialized to avoid it because of their family and community.

In my view, same sex desires are only considered abnormal or unhealthy if the person does not feel in control over it or is compulsively drawn to such encounters. This would be just as abnormal as someone who has compulsive urges for opposite-sex encounters or anything else. The problem is not the person we are attracted to but the involuntary and powerful way that our arousal gets triggered, which can also lead to sexual compulsions and out-of-control behavior. The solution to these issues is, therefore, to help a person regain control, but not take away the very attraction itself.

Unfortunately, many therapies for same-sex attraction have focused on pathologizing a person for the very fact of their same-sex attraction, without even considering whether this is something that they feel control over or not. It leads them to promise things like “sexual orientation change” or “eliminating one’s same-sex desires” or even “rewiring” a person’s sexual desires for the same sex, so that they feel these immediate desires and lusts for the opposite sex.

These therapies are also flawed because they mislead people to believe that they are flawed just for having same-sex interests, convincing them that they won’t be able to have a healthy heterosexual relationship until this part of them is “fixed”. These approaches fail to take into account the different ways that sexual arousal gets activated. For example, most human beings are able to feel emotionally, physically and sexually drawn to any other person when there are certain factors in place such as: an overall desire to have an intimate relationship, mutual admiration, a “chemistry bond” or meshing of personalities, time spent alone, expressing of affection and sharing deeper thoughts and feelings.

Our secular culture is guilty of spreading a different set of inaccurate beliefs. It encourages people to see their own powerful and involuntary same-sex arousal reactions—as well as their out-of-control urges—as signs of “just being gay”, which is just a more polite way of saying that they are helpless victims of their inherent nature. The belief that a person cannot learn to gain control over their feelings can be very psychologically damaging and is completely at odds with Western values of mental health, which are known to promote agency and the importance of gaining control over one’s feelings. Such a belief is also Jewishly problematic at its core because it denies a person having the free will to work on controlling their impulses and habits.

2. Assumption: Immediate and powerful lust for a specific gender defines whether a person is gay or straight. Therefore, lack of immediate arousal to the opposite sex necessarily means that person is gay.

Though the media will tell you otherwise, immediate and powerful arousal feelings at the mere fantasy or sight of any specific person of either gender, is not really a very normal thing to happen. Typically, when it does happen it means that either: (a) a person’s sexual energy is getting triggered by another person’s sexual energy “spilling out from them” in their gestures, movements or speech, or (b) the person from a young age becomes habituated to expressing their sexuality toward the same-gender because they had more “access” to the same-gender than to the opposite gender and these behaviors were a normal part of their environment, or (c) the arousing person or object qualifies as someone’s recurring lust-trigger as previously explained.

How do we understand lust-triggers? Modern psychology has long-ago discovered specific situations and psychological mechanics where a child or adolescent could idealize and then sexualize very specific types of males, females or objects in their immediate vicinity as a subconscious strategy to manage other stressors. In that case, those specific stimuli called “lust-triggers” can become imbued with powerful sexual energy—very much unlike sexual desires in relationships with real people—which can endure throughout their lifetime. A person with any kind of lust-trigger, however, nonetheless can still develop attractions and sexual interests in other people when there is personality chemistry, relaxed and enjoyable time spent together and a close emotional bond.

3. Assumption: There is only one type of sexual desire and the most potent and consistent desire is the one that should direct our intimate long-term relationships.

There are actually two qualitatively different ways that sexual energy gets activated in humans. One is when it gets activated by someone from the outside – a stranger with whom we are not in an intimate relationship with, usually seen in public or in the media – who either “qualifies” as our specific lust-trigger (as explained above) or who is projecting out their own sexual energy through their gestures, movements and behaviors. In that case, our sexual energy can get activated quickly and powerfully. The arousal can feel impulsive, overwhelming and difficult to control. After the sexual event, the person is known to feel shame, emptiness and self-hatred and is often turned off by the imagined or real partner.

With relationship intimacy, on the other hand, sexual arousal must be created in some way – someone has to do something, say something or create a certain environment for desire to get sparked. As opposed to lust-trigger arousal, it doesn’t strike suddenly just by looking or thinking about the partner. It comes from the “inside the connection”. Sexual encounters also tend to follow a gradual but predictable sequence, with each step increasing the sexual arousal, but not in an impulsive out-of-control way (unless there is also aggressive energy in the interaction). And after the sexual event, the partners tend to feel satisfied and closer to one another, creating a sense of joint wellbeing that can endure long after the encounter.

That said, people with any kind of lust-trigger are not exceptions to the core principles of attraction and can, therefore, develop the same high-quality relationship with the opposite-sex as anyone else, even if they are still powerfully aroused or preoccupied by their lust-trigger.

With lust-triggers, it is important to be mindful of our secular culture’s aggressive messaging, which tells us that it is an almost moral virtue to follow, express and fully actualize our most potent arousal feelings, no matter what our values and community traditions are and no matter what kinds of relationships and families we ourselves ultimately want to cultivate. Said differently, secular culture encourages people to define themselves and their life-future around these psychological symptoms and around their involuntary arousal reactions.

4. Assumption: Sex is about maximizing one’s pleasure.

This belief is pervasive in our secular culture and is even a core value held by many professional therapists who teach clients to endlessly chase sexual highs with their own partners while missing the whole point of a relationship. Sex is about connection, giving and creating a bond or creating a new human being. In many ways it is the highest form of Imitatio Dei, the human endeavor to imitate God. When sexual energy is used in the right way and at the right time, it is a powerful and special experience that goes beyond just the carnal physical sensations. When used in the wrong way, sexual experiences can create some of our lowest feelings and can also harm oneself and others in significant ways.